I mean… really?! Yes… REALLY. After my brutal war against the ants, I thought, finally, peace! A beautiful life, no more tiny invaders. But NO… NO… I was so freaking wrong!!!
This week, I’m on vacation. Or at least, I should be. But guess what? Rain. Every. Freaking. Day. Of course. The one week we planned everything...getting back on the bike, finally starting our season...and BAM. Rainy season. Fantastic.
So what do I do? Clean my apartment? Ugh. No thanks. But I also can’t just sit inside, watching the rain ruin my life. 🙁
Instead, I’m lying around, reading books, and watching true crime documentaries. (Yes, I know my YouTube history looks suspicious as hell. If someone checks, they’ll probably call the police.) But I have to watch! I need to see how crazy people can be. No empathy, no guilt...just pure, cold-blooded weirdos. And the best part? The detective interviews. Some of these murderers are so smart, coming up with ridiculous excuses. And the narrators? Brilliant. They explain all the ways to spot a liar....facial expressions, body language, tiny little movements.
Honestly, I’ve always been interested in reading body language. Maybe it’ll come in handy someday. Also, my husband is way too good at this, so obviously, I needed to learn how to lie better. (I’m kidding! …A little. But really, I just want to be able to eat chocolate without him knowing it was me. 😊)
Anyway...back to my actual nightmare.
I wake up at 6 AM. (Because, of course, I’m on vacation, and my body refuses to let me sleep in.) I stare at the rain, drink coffee, and wait for my dog to wake up. (Yes, she sleeps longer than me. Unfair.) We go outside for a walk, me with my beautiful umbrella, and her with zero enthusiasm. She turns right back around and goes inside. Ok, girl, you’re the boss.
Fine. Another coffee. I step onto my terrace to at least try to enjoy this rain. And then...DISASTER.
WORMS.
EVERYWHERE.
WHAT. THE. HELL?!
I just finished my war with the ants, and now THIS?! I was not prepared for this. I thought having a small garden would be easy—cute plants, maybe a few butterflies. NOT a freaking insect apocalypse. Or whatever category worms fall into. I don’t even know what they are. Bugs? Animals? Some weird in-between species??
( they are allowed to come) 😂
So yeah. My terrace? SURROUNDED. Even my dog won’t go out. She’s lying inside, looking at me like, yeah, no, good luck with that.
I know, I know...they’re just earthworms. But listen. I haven’t lived in a house in over 10 years. I had a balcony. No worms. No chaos. Just peace.
Fine. I clean them up. Victory! I proudly tell my husband, "Look! We survived the attack! We can breathe again!"
WRONG.
One hour later… THEY’RE BACK.
I am done. My husband sees my face, and I aggressively inform him that it is now his war to fight. Maybe he has better weapons.
He was not happy about this. His solution? “Oh, just wait, they’ll go away soon.” ( Yes, of course, that was your advice for fighting ants. Did it help?!!NO! )
Oh, really? You think so? Guess what, buddy—THEY’RE ON YOUR BIKE.
That got him moving. (Pro tip: If you ever need your husband to do something, threaten his bike.) He goes outside, goes full war mode, cleans them up. Success? NOPE. One hour later? THEY. ARE. BACK.
FUUUUUUUUU—
( I think they also want to make a baby) 😔
So I start looking for solutions. I go on forums. And let me tell you… I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
First suggestion
”You should be happy! Worms help the soil!"
Are you kidding me? HAPPY?!
Second suggestion
"Get chickens or ducks. They eat worms!"
Oh sure, let me just add a chicken to my household with my dog. Not a great combo. (Although… fresh eggs every day? Hmm.)
Third suggestion
"Lay down plastic grass!"
Oh, PERFECT. I finally have a real garden, and you want me to replace it with FAKE GRASS?! What’s next, plastic trees? Fake rain? Am I living in The Truman Show?!
Fourth suggestion
"Ask them politely to leave."
HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, because that definitely worked with the ants.
Fifth suggestion
"They’re not villains. They help plants thrive. They’re the unpaid interns of the gardening world."
Cool. Let them intern somewhere else.
Sixth suggestion
"Maybe they’re planning their next move. A worm coup? A night ambush? One day, you wake up and—BAM—you’re cocooned in worm silk!"
NO. STOP. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Final advice
"Just wait for a sunny day. They’ll disappear."
So that’s it? I just have to accept my fate? Just hide inside every time it rains?!
BUT THEN IT HIT ME.
Not literally. Thankfully.
Every spring and summer, I see tiny snakes around the house.
WHICH MEANS...THEY’RE COMING TOO.
I’M SCREWED.
What’s next?! A bear showing up at night to kidnap me?!
I swear, it’s a small garden, and I already have these problems. What’s going to happen when we move to a bigger house with a real yard?! Should I hire a security guard?!
Maybe I should call those detectives from the documentary. They can read body language (though worms don’t have practical body language), and perhaps they can tell whether they will be back soon or if they are planning to enter the apartment...
PLEASE, SOMEONE. SEND HELP. SAVE ME FROM THE WORM INVASION.
I JUST WANT TO LIVE.
So, if you have any advice on how to get rid of them, I'm here...waiting.
“Horror fans need horror, okay? They don't need little worms squirming around going down your throat. To them, that's not horror.” - Michael Rooker 😂😂
With love, @tinabrezpike ❤️
